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Humor and Wisdom at Any Age

humor-and-wisdom

I’ve Learned…

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26

I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 55

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

What have you learned at your age?

Please share some of your humor and wisdom with us!

Friday Giggle: Science and Management

Because laughter really IS the best medicine!science-and-management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 55 and 56 degrees north latitude and between 3 and 4 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be a scientist,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded. “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Happy Friday!

Monday Humor: Airplane Maintenance

Airplane Maintenance   humor airplane maintenance

Log records between pilots and maintenance staff  of Aussie airline.

Pilot: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to a more believable level.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levels to stick.
Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in off mode
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in off mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you’re right.

Pilot: Number three engine is missing.
Engineers: Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Friday Giggle: Fate Bought Me Those Shoes

shoes, friday giggle

We all need a good giggle sometimes!

Fate Bought Me Those Shoes

A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn’t faze her at all.

“These are very special shoes,” she explained.”I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I’ve ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I’d let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block there it was!”

8 Jokes to Make your Day!

Go ahead and laugh!

  1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds… only 15 to go…
 laugh
2. I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …

3. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

4. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

laughter
5. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this…
6. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him.
laughter
7. My dentist told me I need a crown… I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks”
laughter
8. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

 

The Funnies (Go ahead and laugh)

laughing budda statueYour monthly dose of laughter! Let’s hear your giggle.

 

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Go ahead and share, we dare ya!

Dr. Geezer’s Clinic

old medical bottlesAn old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak – I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story: Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”

Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

Opinions and Predictions

Your monthly dose of crazy!vintage tv

They told Columbus the world was flat and he’d go over the edge if he kept going. The experts said formula is as good as breast milk. The experts said thalidomide was safe. Here are some more expert predictions:

  • Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night. Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946
  • Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia. Dr. Dionysius Lardner, 1830
  • A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere. New York Times, 1936
  • X-rays will prove to be a hoax. Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883
  • The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty, a fad. The President of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company, 1903
  • The telephone has too many shortcomings to be considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. Western Union Internal Memo, 1876

Do you know of any crazy predictions? Tell us below!

Humor

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old … and we haven’t a clue where he is.

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, “Well, he looks good, doesn’t he.”

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years . just getting over the hill was enough.

11. We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

12. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

GIGGLES….. GIGGLES…… GIGGLES WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other peoples’.

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

They have to answer questions like ‘why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

Asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, ”she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

It’s funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.