Log records between pilots and maintenance staff of Aussie airline.
Pilot: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to a more believable level.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levels to stick.
Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in off mode
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in off mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you’re right.
Pilot: Number three engine is missing.
Engineers: Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.